


This shattered heart

by breathing_underwater24



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23361958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breathing_underwater24/pseuds/breathing_underwater24
Summary: Lucas confesses his love to Elliot. But Elliot doesn't love him back (or so does Elliot thinks). Chaos and misunderstandings ensue.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 31
Kudos: 195





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you like it and don't worry, Elu is endgame in every universe.

“I've got to tell you something” Lucas feels the words like ash in his mouth.

He had rehearsed this with Yann at least three times before coming here, but looking at Elliot he feels sick, like he might throw up at any moment.

But he has to do this, it's killing him, has been killing him since the beginning to be honest.

“Sure Lucas, what's up?” says Elliot completely unbothered with his sunshine smile while he is clicking “print” on some paper he is working on, completely unaware of Lucas' feelings.

How can he not know what Lucas is going to say?

He feels he has a neon letter in his forehead saying: I LOVE ELLIOT!

“Can we go outside?”

“Sure, just let me go to the printer”.

Lucas watches as Elliot's tall figure walks with such carelessness to retrieve his copies.

He admires him one last time and briefly wonders what Elliot is going to say.

Although he is the kindest person Lucas knows, he has no way to know if Elliot is gonna still want to talk to Lucas after this, would it be worst or better to not talk? Or maybe- he lets hope bloom in his chest.

Maybe Elliot feels the same, Yann seems to think that at least and Yann along with Imane is the smartest person he knows. He sees Elliot walking towards him with his paper on hands and Lucas just walks outside the Arts computer room waiting.

“Is everything okay?” Elliot asks frowning, it's one more thing he loves about him, how he can read Lucas so well and know something's up. Few people can do that and Elliot seems to know most of the time before Lucas himself knows it.

“Yeah, I- Elliot waits patiently smiling and nodding as to let Lucas the space he needs to say it.

_You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen._

_No._

_Concentrate Lucas._

“Do you remember Ethics class?” Elliot chuckles.

“Of couse, you and your brains got us the best grade of the class”.

Lucas flushes. “Well, actually it was teamwork but anyway….I….”

_Just say it._

_Everything is going to be fine._

_Should I look him in the eyes?_

_God, he is so beautiful._

“Since ethics class I….liked you, I still like you”.

“Like” sounds so lame compared to what Lucas feels. He knows he is in love with Elliot but he doesn't want to scare him before knowing how his friend feels.

Elliot just looks at him serious without saying anything. This is bad. “I- I'm not. I mean, I know you have a girlfriend ok? And I'm not telling you this as for something to happen.”

_Liar._

“But just so...you'll know” Lucas finishes lamely.

Elliot is still not saying anything. He mostly looks...stunned? But silent.

Lucas can feel his own heart breaking, he admittedly had hoped Elliot reciprocated his feelings, he knows he is not happy with Lucille.

Both Lucas and Elliot had talked about the subject many times, Elliot saying that while he fell in love with his girlfriend at first sight years ago, after four years of relationship it has turned into some odd thing where they have nothing to say to each other.

How Elliot feels alone even when he is with her.

Soon panic rises in Lucas' chest and he can't stand the silence one more second.

“And I completely understand if you don't want to be friends after this, I mean, it would be tense” Lucas tries to pass that as a good hearted joke but fails.

“Of course I'll still talk with you. I mean...This has never happened to me before”.

Lucas seriously doubts that Elliot doesn't have hundreds of admirers declaring his love to him but okay.

“But I still want to be your friend. I mean, I didn't expect it. And I...I think is good that you told me, so you can get it off your chest”. What? How can Elliot be so calm about this? “You seriously didn't suspect it?” Lucas can't help but ask.

After all their late phone calls till dawn, all the secrets shared. Things they never said to anyone before. How they could laugh effortlessly all day and get each other with a glance.

“You never thought about the possibility of this?

_Of us._

Elliot now seems uncomfortable. “I mean, yes. I've gotta admit it crossed my mind some times”.

_I knew you think about us too._

“But I just thought you were like that with le gang too”.

How can Elliot think Lucas shares his deepest fears at one in the morning with Basile or Arthur or even Yann who is his best friend?

“I don't know what to say” finishes Elliot.

_Forget it. This was Lucas' biggest mistake._

He can believe he was such a fool to think someone like Elliot could love Lucas, could even be attracted to Lucas.

“Its okay, I mean, yeah” Lucas looks at his feet.

He wants to run away but Elliot is still standing there looking so calm.

How can he be so calm when Lucas is baring his heart?

“I don't want you to feel bad Lucas, you're a great friend to me and I care about you-a lot. And I wouldn't want for you to feel bad about his, specially with what's going home…” The realization hits Lucas with force. Elliot pities him.

“What?” he snaps. “Is that what's worrying you?

“Yes”.

Fuck Lucas for telling Elliot about his mom and the shit going on at home.

“If you think I'm gonna go to my home and cry about this, let me tell you that is not the case okay? I'm gonna be fine. If that's your worry you can shake it off” mutters Lucas bitterly.

Suddenly, he can't stand how calm and rational is Elliot, he wants to scream, cry, kick something, shake Elliot and ask him why he doesn't love him. Is he really that unlovable? He doesn't even love Lucille anymore. Why can't he love Lucas?

“Okay, so, are you still coming to the trip with Idriss and Imane?”

How can Elliot ask something so off-topic right now? It seems like he wants to change the subject but Lucas is not done.

“And I thought we had great chemistry that time at the Van when we talked and I believe we would be good together but I guess it just doesn't compare to an epic love story of love at first sight. But I really hope your girlfriend is making you happy”.

Elliot just looks at him stunned and Lucas can't stand it.

“Bye Elliot, take care”.

And with that he walks away, he can feel the tears streaming down his face and he hopes deep down that Elliot stops him but he doesn't and Lucas cries harder.

****

Basile, Arthur and Yann are looking at each other. Lucas is lying on the sofa with red eyes. He had promised to text the boys after confessing his love to Elliot but he couldn't, instead he cried all night until he fell asleep.

Unfortunately, Mika heard him and called the boys. Lucas just wanted to drown in his misery alone, thank you very much.

“I'm sorry man. I know it's tough right now but you are going to move on eventually” Yann says.

Arthur nods enthusiastically. “Of course man! He's a fool for rejecting you, you're a much better match than his girlfriend!” adds Basile.

“Is that so? Then why is he still with her?”

“It's more habit than something else”, says Arthur, “maybe he is afraid that no one will love him like her”.

“I love him and I told him that!” Lucas shouts. “But I guess I can't compare with such love-at-first-sight bullshit”.

“Hey, hey, maybe it was like that before but now their time is over, you know there is no love there” says Yann.

“I- feel like a fool, I could have sworn he felt something too”.

“I know Lulu, I am sorry, I thought it too” Yann replies with a look of guilt. After all, he was the one who convinced Lucas to talk to Elliot.

But Lucas can't even be mad at Yann. He is more mad at himself.

His phone vibrates and he doesn't want to look at it but maybe is his Dad finally sending the rent of this month.

His heart drops when he sees who is it.

“Is he serious?”

Arthur and Basile stare at the screen where Elliot has send a message about discovering who the mistery thief of his charcoals is.

“He just expects us to keep talking like that?! Like nothing happened?!”

“I guess he doesn't want to make things awkward between you two” Arthur replies.

“Well fuck him! “

You have no obligation to reply Lulu, but you have to think if you still want to be his friend”.

A part of Lucas says yes, of course he wants to keep talking with Elliot. Even some crumbs are better than nothing, he cannot imagine his life without him.

But keep talking to him, seeing him knowing he doesn't love him and probably would never love him back is like having a wound constantly open.

As if Yann read his mind, he says “It's okay if you're not ready to be his friend. And you also deserve someone who loves you back Lulu”.

With that Lucas cries again.

He does deserve someone who can love him back but he doesn't think anyone will, and even if someone did manage to like him a little bit, they won't be Elliot.


	2. Chapter 2

Elliot erases the message he was going to send.

Again.

It is a video of cats playing, that at another time Lucas would have answered firing back that puppies were better and that would've lead to some arguing debating the pros and cons of which pet was superior but now he just felt incredibly silly.

He sighs throwing his phone on the cushions. Although he is doing a big effort to just ignore what happened and move on, Lucas is ignoring him, again. Lucas. The words “I like you” were printed in his brain.

The way Lucas's big blue eyes had looked at him with hope.

Many things had passed through his mind in that moment, things he had managed to push down for a while now. Lucas is his best friend, the best person in his life and he cannot lose him.

Besides, Lucas thinks he loves him but in reality he doesn't know the extent of the darkness in Elliot's mind. Even Lucille doesn't know it, but she accepts him, tolerates him, loves him and he knows he doesn't deserve her.

Who would be willing to stay with him for so many time?

Like on cue, the doorbell rings and Elliot stands ups trying to fix his hair and clothes to hide the fact that he has been lying on the couch all afternoon overthinking how to get Lucas to answer him.

He opens the door and there's Lucille smiling with Thai Food in one hand.

“Your favorite” she says handing it to him while she takes off her coat and shoes. Not even the prospect of his favorite food is enough to cheer him up but he manages a smile and beings unwrapping and taking out some dishes to eat.

Lucille sits opposite to him and begins talking about something that happened today at her work. Elliot tries to listen. Really, but his mind keeps wandering. Just two days ago he had managed to convince Lucas to try a new Mexican restaurant around the corner of his apartment and now they probably won't.

_All he can think is that maybe in another universe…_

“Did you take your meds?” Lucille's high-pitch voice manages to bring him back.

“Yeah, why?” he can't help but sound annoyed.

Sometimes Lucille feels like his babysitter and not his girlfriend.

“You seem a little bit off. Are you sure you're okay Elliot?” he can see Lucille frowning in concern and he immediately feels guilty.

She cares so much for him and he can't even manage to pay her attention.

“Yes, of course. I am just...Lucas and I aren't talking”.

Maybe it will be good to hear Lucille's input, she knows him better than anyone.

Even better than Idriss and Sofiane.

“Why? I thought you guys were inseparable”. Elliot doesn't know is Lucille is bitter or not by her neutral tone. He regrets starting the conversation but it would be suspicious to just avoid the topic now.

“We had...it wasn't even a fight, just a...forget it, I'm sure it'll pass”.

He puts a spoonful of food in his mouth so he doesn't have to talk for a few minutes.

“If you say so, but to me it sounds serious. I mean, it isn't like he confessed you his love or something right?”

Elliot begins choking with his own food and manages to spite some in a napkin Lucille gives him.

“Oh, he did it”.

What the hell? How does Lucille knows?

“Don't look so surprised Elliot, it was pretty obvious, I thought you knew” says Lucille but Elliot still detects the anger behind her calm posture.

“What are you talking about Lucille?”

“Well, you are very close and he always looks angry when he see us together, or like that time we went to his friends' party. I can't remember his name…”

“Arthur”

“But I thought you had talked it out. If not, you should Elliot, it's not good for your friendship him thinking he has any possibility with you”.

Something about what Lucille is saying sounds very wrong but Elliot can't pinpoint what so he doesn't say anything else and just eats in silence.

Later they are picking a movie to watch, Lucille wants Bridesmaids and for once Elliot gives in without a discussion and lets Lucille cuddle to his side.

He begins feeling a restlessness in his chest and closes his eyes trying to picture a sky, painting a calming blue sky.

That is a technique one of his therapists suggested once but the blue is not a good color to remember now.

He instead tries to paint a sunset and then analyzing one of his favorite films Before Sunset. Later when they are in bed, Lucille nudging at his side after sex, Elliot receives a message of Lucas.

_Hey, sorry if i made things awkward yesterday. Also I'm gonna kill you for never telling me Sofiane asked out Imane! She refuses to say anything else._

Elliot feels he can breathe again, all is good again. He dreams blue skies that night.

***

“I'm just saying, you could have told me sooner! I could have teased Imane all this time” Elliot chuckles at the dramatic remarks of Lucas.

They are in some hipster cafeteria(Lucas's words not his) Elliot wanted to try. It has been three weeks since the Incident (not that Elliot is counting) and surprisingly, after that text of Lucas things had been chill.

They talk like nothing happened and Elliot is incredibly relieved that their friendship is unscattered.

In the meanwhile Sofiane and Imane have started officially dating.

“I swore to secrecy!” Lucas pouts and Elliot finds that endearing although he will never say it to him.

“Sofiane would have killed me. Scratch that. _Imane would have killed me_ ”. They both shudder at the thought.

“I am not sure I can forgive you”.

Before Elliot can answer the waitress arrives with his coffees, a chocolate cake for Elliot and a blueberry muffin for Lucas.

“Thanks” Elliot smiles at her and she brushes his hand as she serves the coffee. “You're welcome. Uuh...Today we have a promotion of free chocolate cake if you want to order some more”.

Elliot cannot believe his luck, his favorite dessert for free! Lucas is doing a strange face, probably because all the sugar Elliot is about to ingest.

“Yes, of course”.

“Louisa”.

“Thanks Louisa, I'm Elliot and he's Lucas”.

The waitress giggles. “I am going to bring you some more cake”.

“You want some Lulu?”

“No, thanks”.

“I knew I had a good feeling about this place”.

Lucas rolls his eyes. “Of course”.

“Hey, maybe another day is free blueberry muffins”.

“Somehow I doubt it.”

After Elliot eats two more slices of chocolate cake and they pay, the waitress insists on giving them a discount which Elliot gladly accepts and Lucas protests because Elliott paid the bill. Lucas seems a little aloof.

“You okay Lucas?”

“Yeah, I just have a lot of homework”.

“Okay, what is up?” He gestures towards a bench so they can sit.

“Nothing, really”.

“Lucas, you know you don't have to pretend to be fine with me right? You can tell me”.

“I just don't want you to worry about me”.

_What?_ Elliot frowns confused.

“Well that's impossible, of course I'm gonna worry you, you're my friend”. He feels Lucas stiffening. Shit, he made him uncomfortable.

“I know. I know. But sometimes I feel you just see me as this broken boy who doesn't have anyone and you feel obligated to be his friend”.

Why would Lucas ever think that? Can't he see how wonderful he is? How extraordinaire he is? Elliot is the one who is lucky to have him in his life.

“I don't know why would you believe such a thing Lucas, but it's not true okay? You're one of my best friends and the strongest person I know”.

“You don't have to say that Eli, I get it. You pity me and…”

“Listen to me Lucas” Elliot grabs him by his face so he understands how serious his words are.

He can see a glimmer of Lucas tears and fuck, he can't stand seeing Lucas suffer, if Lucas is hurting he is hurting too.

“You once told me this and I'm repeating it to you, you are not a burden to me ok? I do not pity you. How could I? I-” Elliot's voice break with the emotion he is trying to convey.

His heart breaks for Lucas. For all the shit he has been through that caused him to think like that.

“Don't go thinking like that okay? There are many people that love you including me, and I'm not leaving. Ever”.

Their foreheads touch and they just stay there, feeling the other. Elliot can hear Lucas' silent sobs and it's the most heartbreaking sound.

“I can't do this Elliot”. “What are you talking about?” now Elliot is confused, _is there something he missed? Is this about his mother?_

“This, our...friendship. I thought I could be your friend but I can't” Lucas separates by sitting a few inches away from Elliot.

“Why?”. This can't be happening, they were okay. All is happening too fast.

“I am in love with you Eli, I know you probably don't want to hear it but I am. And I can't be your friend too. It's...too much”.

Elliot feels the panic rising in his chest, he can't let this happen.

“I'll make it better, I don't want us to stop talking”.

“You can't. I can't separate what I feel. It's not your fault, it's mine, guess I don't know how to manage my feelings”, Lucas chuckles bitterly.

It's not your fault, Elliot wants to scream it.

“Don't worry, you have never done anything to mislead me”. Elliot shakes his head, this reminds him of the conversation with Lucille.

“I've never wanted to hurt you” because it's true. All he wants for Lucas is to be happy and he still hurt him.

“I know, you are the kindest person I've ever met Eli”. That doesn't make him feel better. All he wants is to wipe the tears of Lucas' face and cuddle him to protect him from the world.

“But it's not just this, my mom, she...has been admitted to the hospital again and is getting hard to make ends meet. My dad isn't sending money and I already have one job and can barely pass my classes, I can't fail if I want to go to med school and it's just too much okay?

“Lucas…” Elliot wants to hug him but Lucas is still there putting his distance.

“So I really need to focus on myself and I need space okay?

“I understand but you have to know that I am going to miss you so much. If you ever need something I am always here” Elliot himself wants to cry, why this feels like they are not going to talk or see each other again?

They still share some friends and go to the same college, still it feels as if something broke.

“Thank you, seriously Elliot, you have made my life better these past months, without you...I don't think I could have held it up much longer, your friendship means the world to me”.

“It means the world to me too” he says quietly.

“And maybe when all of this finishes we can talk again” Lucas says hopefully.

“Of course, I don't want you out of my life. Ever”.

***

“You look as if someone said Amélie is overrated” Idriss sits next to him while Sofiane and Imane are bantering in the kitchen.

He had already agreed to hang out with the boys as lately they all had been busy but Elliot can barely manage to interact with his friends.

“Shut up” he says weakly. He know Idriss is giving him the look. The look that without saying anything manages to get Elliot talking.

The problem is, he has no words for how he feels.

“I-” instead he says something he has given serious thought. “I want to get back to therapy”.

“That's awesome man!” Idriss pats him and looks genuinely happy.

“I don't know when yet, but yeah, that's the idea”.

“Well, cheers to you, now we have to go back before my sister kills Sofiane”.

Elliot nods and follows Idriss to the kitchen where the food is already ready.

“Didn't know you cooked, the wonders of love” says Idriss to Imane who just punches him in the arm.

“Ha ha”.

After they sit and Sofiane begins retelling them how things are at the community center where he teaches dance, Imane says something that makes his heart stop.

“Yeah, he is leaving for a semester”.

“What?” Elliot asks abruptly.

“Lucas didn't tell you? He is moving back with his aunt or something” Imane is looking at him with a strange face and she is smart, she is probably already connecting the dots.

“Why?” Idriss asks and Elliot is paralyzed. Now they truly won't see each other again.

“I don't know, something with his mother and he says is better to take off a semester now when he still can”.

They all begin debating the pros and cons of getting a college education or dropping out but Elliot can't move.

When is he going to see Lucas again?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the delay but here it is! I decided to add an extra chapter to wrap the story better. I will hurry up to have chapter four soon.

_Two months later (March)_

Most of the time Lucas isn't sure if he made the right choice.

Leaving Paris and going to Lille with his aunt seemed a good plan, when in reality it was just a desperate plan to run away from his feelings.

He had hoped not seeing Elliot would help but the opposite happened. Now that he didn't see him he was present in every way, in every place, in every little thing he sees and wishes that Elliot was there to tell him about it.

But he's not.

Elliot has called a few times and texts him almost every day.

Most of the time Lucas is weak and answers. On the first week he texted Elliot and said he needed space. It was a week before he crumbled.

Luckily, Elliot didn't seem to mind and they resumed contact although a song, a photo or anything really would happen and Lucas would be reminded of how Elliot isn't his and never was.

Never would.

And he stops answering but he is not strong enough to cut off Elliot completely and texts him back and is a never ending cycle.

Sometimes he has to scroll down Elliot's ig to look at the pictures of him and Lucille.

It is a masochist thing to do but it reminds him that Elliot is in a relationship, in a loving relationship and that he only cares for him as a friend.

Nice, gentle Elliot who is too kind to stop trying to talk to him.

The only person Lucas keeps answering is Yann, and that is because Yann would probably go to Lille himself as soon as Lucas stops answering.

He doesn't deserve his friendship neither.

“Lucas! Dinner is ready” the voice of her aunt resonates through the house and Lucas just wants to stay there in bed but his stomach grumbles and he knows he should have dinner at least.

Her aunt, Celine is nice enough.

Actually, too nice.

She and her wife, Annalise, welcomed him with open arms and doesn't seem to mind the grumpy young man.

When he is going downstairs his phone rings with a notification from instagram.

As if the universe heard him and decided to fuck with him, there is a picture of Elliot and Lucille kissing in Lucille's ig. The caption says: “love of my life”. Lucas could throw up. Numb he arrives to the dining room.

“Ugh! I forgot the sauce” her aunt whines from the kitchen.

“I can go” Annalise says but her aunt shakes her head.

“You stay with Lucas, I wanted to buy that cheese from the other time too”.

And with that, her aunt leaves them alone. Lucas plays with his fork while he waits, he has no problem with silence, Annalise isn't fond of small talk either so that works for him. However, today, his thoughts are too loud.

He wants to cry and never leave his room, actually he is pretty tempted to do it. He could feign sickness. They would leave him alone the rest of the night.

“Your phone is ringing” Annalise's melodious voice startles him.

“Yeah, sorry” he unlocks his phone fearful that now there is gonna be a notification from Elliot's ig.

He doesn't want to see the same photo twice. It is Elliot. But he is asking how his day was and sending him a stupid photo of some horrible cake he tried to make.

“Bad news huh?” Annalise scrutinizes at him and Lucas feels as if she could see through him.

“You could say that”. _Just got a reminder that the love of my life doesn't love me back._

“Is it your mother? I can get Céline to drives us to Paris or take you to the train station”.

“No no -my mother is fine. I just…”

“I am in love with someone okay? Spoiler: He doesn't love me back. And now I just have to see the photos of him and the love of his life happy while I sit here and…”

Lucas stops his rant, he probably sounds crazy and didn't intend to overshare but he needs to say it aloud so badly. He is tired of pretending being okay.

“I knew you were running away when you came here” Annalise says after a silence, then she chuckles.

“I was sure it was a bad break-up or something and Céline didn't believed me. She owes me ten euros now”.

“What?” “Don't look so surprised Lucas, your aunt is so happy you are here with us. We are happy, but you have barely spoken to us these months. You have a look of sadness in your eyes. And believe me, that thing that is in your heart now, isn't going away no matter where you are”.

“So in other words I'm screwed?” desperation fills Lucas, he already suspected it but he wanted to believe here he would get a chance to get over Elliot.

“No. But you have to deal with your feelings. They won't go away. You can't ignore them, otherwise you are gonna explode and hurt others and believe me, it isn't pretty”.

Lucas feels there is a story behind those words but he feels now it's not the time to ask for it. He isn't ready to share all his thoughts.

“Thank you, I...I have never told anyone this beside my friends and I...I'm sorry...I...I know I haven't been the best nephew and…”

“Don't blame yourself Lucas, it isn't easy to open up. On the other hand, you really need to talk to someone. People need people”.

“I…”

“You won't believe the deal I got!” says her aunt opening the door so suddenly it startles both of them.

***

The night went well. Actually more than well.

He talks with her aunt and Annalise about his life in Paris and how he is majoring in bioengineering which comes as a shock because apparently her aunt and Annalise were convinced he was studying nutrition, god knows why.

When dinner is over, he actually feels lighter and for the first time in months he has a good rest.

The next day he gets up optimistic and finds breakfast in the kitchen.

Her aunt works as a manager of some store and Annalise is an art teacher at some school nearby so they usually don't come home till afternoon.

He is pouring himself a glass of juice when he sees a post-it attached in the fridge with a number.

I _n case you wanna talk_ -Annalise.

Lucas feels strangely moved. It has been a while since someone has worried about him and he keeps the note, he knows it's not the number of Annalise as her aunt made him save their numbers the first day.

He washes the dishes and cleans the kitchen and goes for a morning run. Later he will pass by the local library as her aunt suggested and get some books to read.

That night after seeing a post of a love poem by Elliot he decides is enough, he talks with Annalise and decides to give therapy a chance.

He is not a fan of doctors or therapists, they all misdiagnosed her mother for several years and most of them don't seem to be very compassionate or competent enough but he knows he needs help and now he is willing to accept it.

***

“You need closure Lucas” says Inès, her therapist.

After talking the first sessions about his mom and his nonexistent relationship with his father, Lucas knew he had to tell the ultimate thorn in his heart.

Elliot.

“What closure? We still talk and when I return we will see each other, we have the same group of friends and I can't just ignore him when I am in Paris.

“I am not saying you should ignore him but you need to let him go”.

Lucas wishes it didn't hurt so much. “I...I am not sure I can do that.

“You can Lucas, in order to move on you have to let go of your expectations, of the story you made in your head. Elliot cares deeply about you, I know it and you know it, but you have expressed your feelings and he still doesn't commit to you”.

“Because he doesn't feel the same” says Lucas hollowly, is the mantra he keeps repeating to himself.

“Probably, but even if he did, you cannot be with someone who isn't willing to commit to you, to have a proper relationship with you. Because, for what you've told me, he trusts and cares for you. Even in some ways he doesn't with his girlfriend, but he still chooses to be with her and you need someone who will choose you”.

“I dont think I'll ever find someone who chooses me".

“Lucas, we talked about your insecurity issues before. I know you it's hard to stop thinking that but you aren't your parents, and what they did has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. You need to put yourself first. You are an incredible boy, and many people see that and more people will. But you have to trust”.

That day Lucas cries harder than he has in many years.

He cries for his parents, for Elliot, for his friends, for the little boy who always fear people are going to leave him.

And he knows that he has to let go of people, of feelings, of things but he isn't strong enough yet.

Lucas begins working on the afternoon with some sort of market garden, it eases his mind and makes him feel productive.

He likes watching plants, fruit and flowers grow from nothing. It gives him hope that someday he will.

_5 months later (June)_

“Wow Lulu! Look at you tanned and shit” his face timing with the boys and they all marvel at his tan, and how he looks more fit (carrying fertilizer everywhere has its perks).

“I told you guys! Our little Lulu is in fire, when he comes back we have to hook you up with some hot boy” Basile smirks like it's the best idea in the world but Lucas squirms uncomfortable, he is not ready for that yet.

“You only want him to be your wingman” says Arthur.

“Of course, gays are the best wingmans, no offense bro”.

“Basile!” scold Arthur and Yann at the same time.

“I said no offense!”.

“Whatever” says Lucas rolling his eyes.

“You hooked up with some farmer??” says Basile suddenly.

“What?” Lucas blushes. “Of course not! I…

“Okey okey, anyway, have your heard the news?”

“Basile” Yann warns Basile and shakes his head.

Arthur and Yann share a look. An uneasiness rises in Lucas stomach. “What is up guys?”

The three of them are sharing a look so there is definitely something happening.

“You don't need to worry about it”.

“Now I am worried. Spill”.

“It's about Elliot” says Yann.

Of the three, he is the only one who truly understands the length of his feelings for Elliot, so hearing that name.

Well...he feels his heart beating faster and debates if he wants to know.

He is finally making progress and he hasn't talked with Elliot for a month (the longest they haven't talked).

“Is he hurt? Is he okay?” he says, if Elliot had an accident or something he would want to know.

“Yes, yes, he is fine. More than fine actually” says Basile.

He feels again something unpleasing twisting in his stomach, it surely it's something about him and Lucille.

“Look guys, I am getting over Elliot okay?”

The boys share another look.

“I am serious” he insists. “I am finally making some progress and I'm glad he is fine”

“Okay okay bro” says Yann finally. “If that's what you want it's okay, so what day do you arrive?”

_6 months later (July)_

“Enough is enough, we are tired of seeing you like this Elliot, just talk to him”. Idriss throws him a pillow while Elliot is curled in the sofa watching One Day _for the 10th time._

“He wants nothing to do with me”. Idriss sighs.

“Dude, seriously” Sofiane's voice comes from the kitchen.

“You called Sofiane?”

Elliot closes his eyes as if he could erase the past three months and opens them again. Nope, still the same.

He hoped when Lucas returned, all would be the same but he didn't even bothered to call him.

He had to realize it through Imane a week ago. “

I needed backup, you've been moping worse that when Lucille broke up with you” Idriss looks at him lim like a concerned parent.

“I am not moping” Elliot protests weakly.

“Yes, you are” say Sofiane and Idriss in unison.

“Well can't I be sad because my best friend stopped talking to me?”

“We are your best friends” signals Sofiane.

_Yes, they are, but Lucas...Lucas is his person. Nobody understands him like him, makes him laugh like him._

“But he is different” Idriss says aloud. Elliot doesn't like the look Idriss is giving him.

“Of course he is different, I didn't grow up with him like both of you and also, he watches with me all the films I want”.

“That's because he is in love with you”.

Elliot squirms uncomfortably, he had been trying very hard to not think about that fact.

“It's true, he even told you, don't act like you don't know” says Sofiane sitting in the couch next to him.

How can Elliot tell them that he replays Lucas words every day since Lucas confessed his love for Elliot? His brave hedgehog. But he also knows he can't bear to ruin their friendship, although he is not with Lucille anymore he can't ruin things again.

He can't stand the fact of trying to be with Lucas and things not working out. It will really kill him to lose him, although it feels as he already lost him.

“Do you...feel something for him?” asks Idriss cautiously.

Elliot wishes he could give a straight answer.

How could he know? He was so sure he loved Lucille, and now that they are broken up he has realized that the love he felt for her faded a long time ago.

That he confused love with affection, that their relationship was comfortable and nothing else.

“I...he is my friend”.

“Well, as his friend you should call him, ask him to meet you so you can catch up” finally says Sofiane.

“Look at you giving love advice” Idriss punches Sofiane's shoulder.

Sofiane blushes furiously, no doubt thinking about Imane.

“You're right, I'll call him”.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending! Finally it's done guys, I hope you like how it all turns out.

“Elliot is here”.

Lucas turned around so fast he may have broken his neck.

“Where?”

“Dude, chill. Right over there” says Arthur. He tries to act casual while he looks Elliot laughing at something a guy with a pretentious coat and sunglass, who wears sunglasses in closed spaces? tells him something. 

He can't stop looking at Elliot. His messy hair and sunshine smile, how he taps his foot nervously, his loose-backpack on one shoulder. Today he is all dressed in black clothes. He looks gorgeous. 

“You are going to burn holes in his head Lulu” says Yann while he pushes him to sit in one of the tables of the cafeteria. Suddenly Lucas is not hungry.

He knows it was a matter of time before he met Elliot again, however all those months did not prepare him for the sudden ache he feels.

“You haven't talked?” asks Yann who as always knows what's up.

Lucas shakes his head while he stabs his spaghetti.

He tries to search subtly for Elliot again and he is there talking again with Mr. Sunglasses probably of pretentious art things he doesn't understand. 

“Well, you should”.

“Of course bro, I mean, you are still friends right?” says Basile with his mouth full of pasta.

“I don't know” Lucas says weakly. Maybe he should have warned Elliot about his return but he couldn't and then Elliot had called him a week ago, and he didn't answer.

It was all part of his process to try to get over him.

Imane had just sighed and told him those things doesn't work like that but what did she knows? She is in a happy relationship with Sofiane, she didn't confess her love only to be rejected.

Besides, Lucas should have know one look at Elliot would turn in shambles his efforts.

How was it possible to miss someone so much when he was in the same room as him?

“Well, you should talk to him, he missed you” says Arthur signaling him.

“Did he tell you something?” asks Lucas suddenly.

“I mean no, but we all missed you Lulu” answers his friend.

Lucas deflated. What if Elliot didn't miss him? But he still called him. That had to mean something. Maybe they could still be friends.

He looks up at again but now he exchanges glances with Elliot, he feels his cheeks burning but Elliot gives him a shy smile. Something flutters in his stomach.

He gives a little wave and then he sees Elliot walking towards them.

_Shit._

“Guys, he is coming, act normal” he whispers just before Elliot reaches the table.

“Hey guys” he smiles.

“Hi Elliot, have you seen Lulu? He just returned!” says Basile joyfully while he pats next to him. Well, fuck subtlety.

“I see, I have to go, I'm late for class but I just wanted to say hi” Elliot looks at him with a big smile before waving them goodbye.

As Lucas watches him go dumbfounded he realizes he is definitely not over Elliot, not even a little.

***

Lucas is waiting outside Elliot's classroom rehearsing his speech in his head.

He needs to convince Elliot he is definitely over him so they can continue being friends.

The door opens and students begin pouring when he sees a tall lean figure with messy hair.

“Lucas!” says Elliot with such joy that Luca's heart falters.

“Hi” Lucas says awkwardly. “I wanted to talk to you, if that's okay”.

“Yeah yeah sure. I was actually going to my flat, you want to come?"

“You sure?”

“Of course! And that way we can talk without interruptions”.

Is not that Lucas has not been in Elliot's apartment, however he hadn't expected such a warm welcome from Elliot. They talk about how Lucas learned to plant a bunch of things, of Annalise and his aunt and how much he misses them now that he is in Paris.

Elliot doesn't ask why Lucas left without telling him and he is glad.

Elliot talks about his classes, his last project, about a film he just saw. They fall again in a comfortable space and he feels relieved. 

Elliot opens the door and warns him about the disaster which indeed is not so bad, just some brushes and colors, some drawings.

Lucas would never tell him but he loves his mess, he loves how is proof of Elliot's amazing mind. He grabs a cushion and sits comfortably in the sofa.

“I would offer something but there's this huge project and I've forgotten to buy groceries”.

Elliot would always forget to eat when he is so enraptured in a project he doesn't notice anything else. “Ok, now it all makes sense”.

“What makes sense?” says Elliot frowning while he grabs two glasses and fills them with water.

“How skinny you are” Lucas teases. It is something he won't ever understand, how Elliot can have his lean figure without an ounce of exercise.

“You sound like my mother, I am not that skinny, see?”

Elliot raises his shirt to show his abdomen to Lucas and he can't help to notice the soft hairline going down his waistband and- he looks away violently.

“Yeah yeah, that's what you say” says Lucas in a raspy voice trying to forget what he just saw.

“You are just jealous” mocks Elliot while he gives Lucas a glass of water. “Okay, so tell me, what were you going to say?”

Right. _The Talk._

It's not the first time Lucas has had a serious talk with Elliot but it is the first time he is going to lie so openly.

“I…” You can do this Lucas. “I want to tell you, well, actually apologize if I made you uncomfortable that time I said...those things”. They both know what is he referring to. 

“Oh no Lucas, you never made me uncomfortable”. Elliot is too kind to say otherwise obviously.

“But I want to tell you that is over”.

“I do not understand” says Elliot with a frown. 

Lucas tries to breathe before continuing.

“My feelings for you, what I told you? I got over it, so you don't have to worry about it again. We can be friends and forget about that right?” and Elliot is looking at him in a strange way he can't decipher and maybe he doesn't believe him.

Lucas has to find a way to be more believable.

“Anyway, I actually hooked up with someone there. You know, nothing serious. But, seriously, you don't have to worry about hurting me or something”. 

“So you have someone?” asks Elliot. Of all the things he said he had to pick his biggest lie?

“Not really, it didn't work out”.

“Why?” _Why was Elliot asking him this?_

Maybe he wants to make sure you really are over him and not secretly pinning.

“Long distance, you know. But eh...we...he….it was nice” Lucas finishes lamely.

“I'm...sorry you two didn't work out”.

“Don't be, I mean, it was all for the best. But anyways, we're good?”

“Of course” Elliot says and then gets closer and hugs him. Lucas lets himself fall against Elliot's chest, he feels so safe there and he knows he cannot lose this.

***

For the most part, they're back to normal.

They still hang out although Lucas is careful that they do not end up alone, so he ends up bringing Yann or Imane or whoever he can when Elliot proposes playing video games at his place or going to watch the latest film.

And although Lucas stills feels that pull towards him he now has designed careful rules for himself.

  1. > He can only be alone with Elliot in public places -university, the coffeeshop they both like, some party.

  2. > He will only go to Elliot's place if someone else is going too.

  3. > He will agree or at least pretend he doesn't care if/when someone mentions Elliot should date/download tinder/hookup with someone.

  4. > When someone asks the same to Lucas, he will avoid/dodge the question by mentioning he likes someone/had a drunken hookup but he isn't ready to commit.

  5. > He will absolutely, for no reason ever will call or visit Elliot.




Lucas feels silly having such a list but it's the only way to keep his own sanity.

Yann makes a point of giving him concerned glances every now and then and trying to talk to him about Elliot but Lucas avoids the conversation.

It is until a party at Emma's that Yann brings the topic again.

“So, how are you two doing?” asks Yann signaling with his beer towards Elliot who is talking with some girl Lucas doesn't know.

He sees the girl standing in her toes to whisper something in Elliot's ear and they go down the hall. 

“Fine”. 

“You told him?”

“What?"

“Nothing” says Yann siping his beer.

Yann is not stupid, of course he knows Lucas is definitely not over Elliot, but he also knows better than to pressure Lucas to talk. That's why he is his best friend. 

“Guys! today I am gonna ask Daphne out” shouts Basile entering the kitchen, he is so drunk he is already tripping on his feet while Arthur steadies him.

“You are like, three years late man” Lucas mokes.

“Shut up! I am really going to ask her out” Basile tries to take a sip of his beer but he ends up spilling it in his shirt.

“Sure man” says Arthur patting him but then he stumbles too. “Let's get you cleaned”.

Yann and Lucas exchange a look, their friends won't make it to the bathroom alone so they try their best to hold of Arthur and Basile, one of each side.

Lucas is so busy trying to avoid Arthur falling on his face he doesn't notice until it's too late how the girl she saw with Elliot exits the bathroom and then seconds later Elliot.

He sees red. 

_Really? In the bathroom? How classy of them._

He prays Elliot doesn't see him because right now he wants to punch something or someone. 

Suddenly, he doesn't want to be in the party anymore.

However, he cannot leave his friends, he blinks the angry tears away and tries to breathe, it never works.

After half an hour or so, he and Yann manage to call an Uber and put Arthur and Basile on their way home and he says goodbye to Yann.

He needs to walk, and try to not burst in tears in front of his best friend.

The night is a bit chilly and he regrets not bringing a sweater then his phone begins ringing.

He really doesn't want to answer, whoever it is it can wait, but the ringing won't stop.

Maybe is his mom.

He picks his phone and his heart stops.

 _Its Elliot_ , he pushes the answer button.

“Elliot?”

“Lucas” Elliot's voice sounds strange, like he's been crying.

Panic rises in Lucas stomach and whatever anger he has is gone. Elliot is hurting and he can't stand that.

“Where are you?” says Lucas looking around, he is not that far of Elliot's apartment.

“In Polaris”.

***

Lucas has been in the Petit Ceinture just once when he was a child, but he has never gone back.

He knows is Elliot's special place but he has never been more terrified of it. It took an eternity (or that's how Lucas felt) to find Elliot, crying behind some trees.

He has never been more relieved.

Somehow he managed to get his friend to stand up and come with him.

They made their way to Elliot's apartment and he is putting the older boy into the bed, wrapping him in some blankets when Elliot grabs his wrist.

“Would you stay?”

“Of course” says Lucas, because no matter what he feels, he will never leave Elliot. Never again.

That thought unsettles him but he decides to push it down, he will deal with his feelings later, now his friend needs him.

“Where do you have your blankets?” asks Lucas after the older boy is wrapped like a burrito.

“You want more blankets?”

“Yes, I mean, I can use the cushions of the sofa as a pillow but I kinda need to cover myself” tries Lucas to joke.

“Sleep with me” if it wasn't for the fact that Lucas is sure Elliot is in a depressive episode, he would have probably denied.

Instead, he nods and gets under the blankets, holding Elliot until they both fall asleep.

***

The thing about getting to know Elliot in the bad and the worst is that it reasserts the fact that Lucas does love him. He wants all of him, even the ugly parts. 

It lasts almost a week, and Lucas is there every step of the way. He cradles Elliot but doesn't pushes him.

After school he brings food which Eli doesn't eat until the third day.

He is so worried but Idriss is his roommate and he knows how to take good care of him.

Nonetheless, Lucas stops by every day and stays until is late. He doesn't sleep much in the next days.

Mika tries to get him to talk about it but he can't. He just wants Elliot to be okay.

The thing about putting all your energy into caring for someone, is that you forget about everyone else.

And Lucas has been ignoring the calls of his father for too long.

He knows he must answer at some point, but he can't bring himself.

He has barely slept all week and he just received a call from Idriss telling him that Elliot got up early and started to draw.

He tries to focus on the homework he has neglected but he can't, he just wants to see by himself if Elliot is really ok but he doesn't want to come as too clingy.

After convincing Imane to pass him the homework, he decides to text Yann and see what he is up to.

Le gang ends up coming to Lucas' apartment and they play Fifa for a while. Basile is being a sore loser as always and they bet that if he loses again he has to ask Daphne on a date.

“Seriously Baz, you have to do it” says Yann.

“I will do it, I am just waiting for the perfect timing” assures Basile.

“Man, there is not such thing as perfect timing” says Lucas because honestly, how much can Basile wait for the “perfect time”.

“You are one to tell” replies Basile.

“What does it have to do with me?” asks Lucas confused.

“You told Elliot how you felt and see how it ended” Lucas can see in Basile's face the moment he regrets his comment. Both Arthur and Yann smack him.

“Seriously?” Yann scolds him.

And you see, it hurts everyday but Lucas is learning to live with the fact he will probably always love Elliot.

And the thing is, he doesn't regret telling him.

Even after everything.

“I don't regret it, I mean, it sucks he doesn't feel the same but at least he knows” Lucas says quietly. 

Yann pats him on the shoulder. Lucas marvels at his own words but he can never regret loving Elliot. Maybe it is really time to let him go. 

“See? Lucas has balls” Arthur says.

“Lulu, your phone is ringing” signals Yann.

Lucas startles and immediately answers backs. It's probably Idriss updating him but when he hears the raspy voice on the other side his heart flops.

“Hi Lucas”

“Hi dad”.

The thing about anger, is that it's only grief in disguise. A psychologist once told him that and he denied it, now it makes all the sense in the world because after ending the call where his father told him he can no longer send him money and by the way, he met someone and is getting remarried he feels angry, very angry.

He slams the door and is about to say to his friends to leave because he really doesn't want to talk to anyone when he sees a tall figure bouncing and talking animatedly with Basile. 

Elliot.

“Lucas! I was telling the boys Idriss-” says Elliot smiling happily but he stops wha he is saying abruptly and Lucas is still very angry at his father, at life but something soothes inside him. 

“Elliot” his voice breaks and he can see Yann standing up and saying to the boys something about going for food and beers. Elliot looks good, he is wearing a red shirt that only makes his eyes look more beautiful, and his messy hair looks brighter, he obviously showered. 

Wide arms tighten around him and Lucas can't contain his sobs.

“Sshh my love” Lucas cries harder. No one has ever called him love and he knows is not real but he can't help falling in Elliot's arms as he carries him to his bedroom. Like a reflection of last week but now with opposite roles, Elliot caress Lucas' back while the younger boy can't stop crying.

“Why doesn't he want me? Am I that unlovable?” he can't help but say.

“Lucas, look at me please” Lucas can't see clearly, his eyes are full of teardrops and Elliot takes them away with his fingers. 

“You are the best person in the world you hear me?” Elliot is cupping his face delicately but firmly.

“I am so lucky to have you in my life, everyone that meets you is so incredibly lucky. So fuck him okay? He is so blind to not see how incredible you are, but I see it okay? I am here”.

Lucas is not entirely sure he believes that but he nods while Elliot holds him.

Later at night he finds himself wrapped in Elliot's arms, he has never felt more safe and he finds Elliot awake too looking at the ceiling, when the older boy realizes Lucas is awake, he gives him a soft smile and caress his cheek.

Lucas can't help it, he glances at Elliot's lips who look soft and pink and full. He then looks at Elliots' eyes and he already saw Lucas's glance.

He blushes furiously but is like something is pulling between them and then Lucas kisses Elliot.

He feels Elliot's surprised gasp but then his hand tugging Lucas' hair to pull him closer, a moan escapes from Lucas' mouth.

He had dreamed a lot about this, but the actual feeling of having Elliot here touching him, is so much better than anything else.

Lucas opens his mouth and feels Elliot's tongue and then the kiss turns more heated.

Lucas whines while touching Elliot's chest under his shirt and the older boy has one hand holding Lucas' face and the other is traveling down down, until he finds Lucas' ass. 

It feel delicious and Lucas is getting painfully hard, he is unbuttoning Elliot's shirt when he caughts his wrist.

“So-sorry” Lucas immediately stops. Maybe he misread the whole situation and Elliot doesn't want to or-

“Sssh you have nothing to be sorry about, I just don't want to take advantage of you, of the situation” says Elliot serious.

“What?” Lucas just wants Elliot's hands touching him again.

“You're vulnerable and-”

Lucas kisses him to get him to stop talking, because seriously, how can't Elliot see how much Lucas wants this?

“I want this” whispers Lucas. Oddly this feels incredibly natural, like it was meant to happen. 

“I want this too” whispers the other boy back.

“How about-?

“Is over”

“You said that before”.

“It's really over”.

With the cloud of lust dissipating, Lucas begins to think more rationally.

“What has changed? Six months ago you told me you and me…” he signals between them.

“I know, I think...everything and nothing has really changed, I was stupid and insecure. And yes, also in a relationship with her. Not because I loved her but because I thought no one else would”.

“You had me all along”.

“I knew it but didn't really believed it”

That hurts.

As if Elliot read his mind he says: “Not because of you, because of me. When you ask me if something has changed I say nothing because I think I have loved you for some time before I even realized it, even Lucille saw it. And at the same time, everything has changed”.

“Are you sure this isn't a rebound?” Lucas has to ask, because he honestly doesn't think he could handle it.

“We can still be friends, we don't need to do this”.

A small part of him screams at saying that but he needs to reassure Elliot he doesn't need to do this to keep Lucas.

“You could never be a rebound Lucas, I love you. I have loved you since we were in that dumb class.

When you left my heart broke, but I refused to acknowledge that this was something more.

And then I saw you the first day of class again. I realized how stupid I have been all along and I was ready to tell you.

But you told me you wanted to stay friends, that you had someone else and...I. I didn't want to lose you”.

Lucas feels himself crying again and kisses Elliot fiercely. He unbottons Elliot's shirt and pants while Elliot gets rids of Lucas's shirt while he kisses his neck, his arms, his chest.

“I have never stopped loving you Elliot, not once” says Lucas looking at his boy.

“I don't deserve you”.

“Don't say that Eli. We deserve each other” Lucas kisses him before Elliot can discuss further and then they have gotten ridden off all their clothes.

Like some secret language they already know, Elliot nods and Lucas reaches his drawer for a condom and lube. 

“I'm nervous” says the younger boy. “ It will be alright baby, I will make you feel good” assures the older boy.

“I know, I trust you” and Lucas feels the last guarded layer of him fall.

Elliot rubs himself with a good amount of lube and Lucas can't stop looking at Elliot's dick, so big and full he isn't sure is he would be able to get inside him.

But Elliot takes his time preparing Lucas, with his fingers first and then when he enters in Lucas' hole, the pain feels unbearable at first and the younger boy hugs Eli until he starts moving and the older boy understands he can move.

Lucas forgets about everything, about his father, about le gang, about Lucille, about his worries, all he can feel and think is Elliot.

Elliot who is moving inside him, slamming against him with such delicate movements Lucas wants to cry again.

“Don't let me go Eli”.

“Never mon amour”.

And when he comes he lets embarrassing loud noises while he shudders.

Elliot comes minutes later and gets his dick out slowly as to don't hurt Lucas who still feels a tingle of pain at the loss.

Elliot returns with towels to clean them up and kisses Lucas' forehead while he holds him again. 

“I love you Eli”.

“I love you too mon amour”.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! As always comments are very very appreciated and I apologize for any mistakes, English is not my first language. I also have to confess I did this as catharsis, the situation you just read happened to me months ago with a friend. However, we are not endgame like Elu :( but at least in this universe this situation ended well.


End file.
